Hard Times and Happiness
My 12-year-old son with down-syndrome has found a new way to instantly relate to others. He talks to new people by saying, “My name is Israel and I hate Corona Virus!” He gets a chuckle and a me-too from everyone. I’m finding a theme emerging all around about the year 2020 and Coronavirus. Billboards, Ad’s, and just about everyone saying things like, “we will get through this together, or 2020 sucks but 20/20 vision doesn’t! It goes on and on hating this year and projecting happiness in some future time. I for one have had a very difficult 2020 for many personal and situational reasons. I’ve had my moments of darkness this year with plenty of thoughts of despair. I’ve given in to the hate club several times; however, It comes back to choice for me. I would rather choose to pursue happiness regardless of my situation and surroundings. It’s not an easy choice, it’s not even popular right now. I’m going to make a case for why I believe the choice of pursuing happiness is better than the choice of hating this year and the virus.
Normally, my son Israel is the happiest kid I know. He doesn’t let things get him down for long, and he tends to love life. Truthfully, he has struggled to make play-date friends his whole life and has only one consistent friend that also lives with down-syndrome. That friend moved a few more miles away this year and was on tight restriction for months during the start of the virus. Israel would ask to play and get denied leading to tears and frustration and eventually the “I hate Corona Virus ice-breaker.” My son is still happy and he misses his friend. I’m proud of Israel for being a light to us and everyone he meets even though his surroundings are not ideal. My son accepts the struggles and does his best to live in a way that presents opportunities for more happiness. He is back in school and loving it. He has had a few play date’s with his buddy over the last couple of months too.
I’m coming to accept that life is supposed to be hard, It is supposed to have opposition, trials, and everything that goes with it. The more I lean into this, the less time I spend wrestling and complaining about my lot. In paraphrasing Randy Pausch the author of The Last Lecture, He would say, “join the non-complainers club, complaining is an unproductive strategy, solutions are much more affective.” Something happens in our brains and bodies when we accept and lean into living our lives with our problems. The better we become at moving through this acceptance cycle, the better we become at solving for more happiness. My son Israel and Randy Pausch are both strong non-complainers in general. They both seem to prefer packing life full of fun instead of dwelling in misery.
How do we move to a place of acceptance more quickly?
I’ve moved more quickly through my problems when I’ve allowed my feelings to be felt. In general, I go through a cycle of grief every time a new big trial happens in my life. My most comfortable feeling is anger and I can dwell there extra long if I engage in blaming, complaining, gossiping, putting myself or others down, or fighting against the tide of acceptance. My good friend Brandon would say, “if I put my problems in a pile with everyone else, and I can choose which problems to pick back up, at the end of the day, I’m going to pick mine back up.” Brandon would engage in perspective-shifting. He would recognize that everyone has problems and at least with his own, he knows them well enough to be able to work on them.
How long should I allow myself to grieve my problems?
For me, I tend to grieve bigger problems longer than smaller ones; however, it’s really not that important that I focus on a length of time to grieve, but more that I actually grieve through my feelings. I don’t find it productive to stay angry for more than 24 hours anymore. If in shorten the curve in the early stages of the cycle, I can spend more energy on acceptance.
What is wrong with hating Corona Virus and 2020?
The media message is telling us to stay in these early stages of anger, shock, denial, bargaining, and depression. The longer we spend buying into the narrative of, “you will be happy when…” the longer we delay our healing from wounds of new problems. I don’t have the energy or time to wait to be happy. Many of the ways I practiced being happy were taken away from me like they were for most of us and my son Israel. I was angry about those things and still feel the pain and depression from this “New Normal” I choose to feel and accept my part in my own happiness. I chose to own my life 100% and all of my problems regardless of the situations around me. I choose to accept my new normal of going through the grieving cycle more quickly and getting to my “Carpe Diem” or seizing of the day. I’ve found more happiness this year in the margins from an increase in my time in the mountains to putting down the remote and spending more time with my family and much more. I’ve found out more about how I want to show up for others and myself.
How do you find the motivation to feel and heal?
Ask yourself some deeper questions and turn off your distraction, you will find a world full of opportunity to help yourself and others. We heal when helping ourselves and others, ask anyone about the biggest healing moments and they will agree. 2020 has been a blessing in that has forced distractions to be pulled back and given people a more clear look into their own lives. Seize the moment and live your life. Grieve your losses, accept your wounds, Go live, go give or your gifts and talents, go be a good person, and the motivation will come, momentum will build, and a new better you will emerge. Today I have the strength to encourage you, tomorrow when I’m weak, you will have the strength to encourage me.
